Are the New York Yankees selling illegal soap?By Matt Nevins
On Opening Day, the stink of another scandal is wafting over America’s ballparks
OAKLAND, CA – Following a Spring Training where A-Rod’s past steroid use made more headlines than the New York Yankees’ dim prospects this coming season, the nonprofit Center for Environmental Health (CEH) has discovered another troubling example of the team’s quickly diminishing fortunes. A CEH investigation has found a “New York Yankees 3-in-1 Wash, Eau De Toilette, Hand Sanitizer” gift set, sold at Burlington Coat Factory in Hayward, CA – a mere stone’s throw from where the Oakland Athletics play – that contains high levels of Cocamide DEA, a chemical known to the state of California to cause cancer and other reproductive issues.
“Absolutely disgusting,” said Michael Green, Executive Director of CEH, and lifelong fan of the Cleveland baseball club. “It appears the Yankees may be using team-branded toilet water to attack opposing team’s fan bases. And if that’s New York toilet water, you surely wouldn’t want to smell like it.”
The fiasco begs the question: why sell a toxic perfumed body wash in California, a state where it is illegal to sell products containing Cocamide DEA without a clear and reasonable warning of the toxin’s presence?
Speculation runs rampant. It could be out of spite for the San Francisco Giants winning 3 World Series championships in the past 5 years, while the Yankees have appeared in zero. Or, out of disbelief of the Oakland Athletics, who have overcome their bottom-third annual payroll disadvantage to notch a 14-8 record against New York since 2012. Perhaps the coveted #1 top payroll belonging to the Los Angeles Dodgers ($272.8 million) has left Yankees GM Brian Cashman disgruntled, and this is his compensatory vengeance?
The Yankees still tolerate the badge of second-highest opening day payroll this year, at $219.3 million. $21 million of that money will be pocketed by Alex Rodriguez, a.k.a. public enemy #1 of Major League Baseball. Some believe Rodriguez was also a user of the 3-in-1 perfumed body wash in question.
“I had no idea that what I was given to smell good after a hard day at work could affect me this way,” said Rodriguez, due back to start for New York after his one-year suspension, and who may have been high on perfume when flirting with two female fans after being pulled from Game 1 of the 2012 ALCS. “From being victimized in a malicious investigation by MLB regarding the use of steroids, and now wearing and promoting a cancer causing perfumed wash? It’s as if the Yankees organization is still actively trying to cast me out – to avoid paying off the remainder of my modest contract.”
Commissioner Robert Manfred is weighing these possibilities. When asked if Cocamide DEA would be ignored, just as the steroid problem was for years, Manfred was quick to clarify that the league’s profits are no longer the first priority: “It is my job, as commissioner, to ensure a level playing field for our teams. We do not advocate the use of toxic perfume washes for any of our players. If the Yankees are, in fact, knowingly and intentionally purging toxic chemicals in their organization by administering them to players as well as California baseball fans, the consequences will be far-reaching. On the other hand, I have a very important lunch meeting today, so by tomorrow I may not recall this incident at all.”
When asked to elaborate on potential consequences, Manfred suggested allowing teams to employ a defensive infield overshift against any left-handed batter whose scent suggests his illegal use of Cocamide DEA-containing perfume.
The Center for Environmental Health urges all consumers, nationwide, to check the ingredients label should they choose to purchase their team’s perfumed body wash gift sets. If “Cocamide DEA” is listed, and you use this product, you may receive a 162-game suspension from Major League Baseball.
The New York Yankees declined to comment on this story.
Disclaimer: This article contains satire. The fact: CEH sent Cloudbreak Group, LLC (the distributor of the NY Yankees-branded product) a 60-day notice of violation of CA Proposition 65 on March 18, 2015. The story surrounding this product, including quotations and conspiracy theories, is fictitious and made-up for satirical purposes. MLB Payroll information from Deadspin.com.