Dodgers, Angels May Contain High Levels of Flame Retardant Chemicals

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April 1, 2013

Oakland, CA – According to a recent study, players on both Los Angeles Major League Baseball teams, the Dodgers and the Angels may contain high levels of toxic flame retardant chemicals usually found in furniture, including most couches in American homes.

“We fear for the health and safety of the LA ball club players, who spent the entire month of October sitting on their couches watching the San Francisco Giants,  the Oakland Athletics, and other teams in the playoffs,” said Matt Nevins, Research Assistant at CEH.  “As fans of the game, we want to nurture rivalries of fairness – not ones in which our competitors have reduced baseball IQ due to increased exposure to harmful chemicals.”

When approached for comment, Dodgers manager Don Mattingly said, “This is a problem that, fortunately, we have the monetary resources to buy ourselves out of. We intend to import high-end upholstery and make Dodger couches stuffed with dollar bills, which as we know contain no chemicals other than some green ink I think.”

A 1975 California flammability standard called Technical Bulletin 117 (TB 117) has prompted decades of widespread use of flame retardant chemicals. But a recent analysis by the Office of the Commissioner has found that the state’s focus on chemical flame retardants does not protect people from fires and that non-chemical methods are better suited to achieve fire safety benefits.

“It presents an unfair playing field issue,” said Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig, upon hearing news of the study.  “Teams without the resources to compete at the highest level are left to wallow on their killer couches throughout the month of October.  We urge the State of California to adopt the updated TB117-2013 standard, resulting in better fire safety without the use of harmful chemical flame retardants.”

The Houston Astros, who lost 107 games last year and apparently had players spending much of their time on couches during and after the season had no comment on the recent findings.

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Happy April Fool’s & Opening Day!

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