From the Desk of…Tom Cotton?By Center for Environmental Health
CEH has uncovered an unpublished letter that appears to be from the desk of Senator Tom Cotton, author of the recent Iran letter. A copy follows.
TO: American children and families
FROM: Senators Tom Cotton, David Vitter and Tom Udall
Regarding the “Chemical Safety for the 21st Century” bill
It has come to our attention while observing your whining about all of the disease-causing chemicals that are commonly found in your air, water, food and in thousands of every day products that you may not fully understand our political system. Since Tom C. has a lot of experience writing these kinds of explanatory letters, we asked him to help us bring to your attention the features of our quasi-Constitutional system which you should seriously consider if you know what’s good for you.
The thing is, we have lots of rules of order like Roberts Rules, whoever he was, but the main rule you gotta remember is, “money talks.” When chemical companies that have lots of money want to give us some, we listen. Heck, you might even say that we let the American Chemistry Council, the trade group that represents the companies that contaminate our environment and threaten our health, write this “chemical safety” bill — but if you said that, we’d deny it – and if you find an “electronic signature” on the bill that says “ACC,” well, remember that could stand for the Arborists of Clarke County, because tree-huggers love chemical safety too!
Given the industry’s influence, it should come as no surprise to you that our “chemical safety” bill makes you about as safe from chemicals as an LL Bean baseball cap makes Dick Cheney’s hunting partners safe from the former VP’s buckshot. In other words, not hardly safe at all.
Now we know what you’re thinking – at least I’ll still have state laws to protect me and my children from chemicals like formaldehyde in flooring, arsenic in drinking water, and asbestos in all kinds of products. Not so fast! Our bill cuts the states out of the loop, like we cut Obama out of that Iran thing. After our bill takes effect, your state will be lucky to have the authority to stop companies from selling Agent Orange juice (it’s a breakfast drink and a broad spectrum plant defoliant).
Finally, you may worry that, under our bill, your children and grandchildren could still be at risk from toxic chemicals for decades to come. Yes, this is true, but remember, corporations are people too, and they live forever! These polluting corporations will still be calling the shots long after your kids have been poisoned by so many products they won’t know which end of a smokestack is which, so whose interests should we be looking out for? After all, history (and record-breaking profits) show that pollution pays, which means more money for our next election campaigns. And in the end, isn’t money for our campaigns what really matters in a democracy?Tags: April Fools, chemical safety, environment, health, Tom Cotton