Jed York, 49ers wish you a lead-filled ChristmasBy Matt Nevins
Testing by the Center for Environmental Health (CEH) has found that a San Francisco 49ers-branded Christmas tree ornament sold at Kmart contains high levels of lead, at nearly 40 times the legal limit for lead in a child’s product. Lead is a stunningly toxic chemical that can cause cancer, reproductive health issues, neurological damages, and reduced IQ.
“An already dismal season for the San Francisco 49ers has taken another turn for the worse with this finding,” said Matt Nevins of CEH. “Not to mention, this creates an uneven playing field on the business side for teams that do everything the right way. As Jon Gruden would say, ‘I’m disgusted.’”
49ers owner Jed York is expected to inform the press about the findings, saying that he will “discuss everything when the season is over.” Newly-appointed COO (and “master of media leaks”) Al Guido, stated,
“The San Francisco 49ers know we’ve let our fans down this year. With our players’ off-field conduct from the summer still in question, the lackluster on-field performance of the team even though we have a top-notch head coach, more than half of Levi’s [Library] empty, and frequent pre-game flyovers with banners that read ‘Hold Jed Accountable,’ Jed wanted to thank the 49ers Faithful with a Christmas ornament containing high levels of… oh hang on, sorry to cut this short. But I have no further comments at this time.”
Some observers are wondering if Jed York is seeking to dumb down the fan base, in an effort to evade further criticism for his failings as an owner. Others wonder if York was exposed to lead at a young age (which would explain his own neurological impairment when it comes to decision-making), and now wants to bring his “supporters” down with him.
Either way, lead has no place in a Christmas ornament, an item that parents hand to their kids when they decorate the tree. We must not let our children’s brains mature and develop in ways that Jed York’s did. To reduce neurological damage, we suggest avoiding the San Francisco 49ers for as long as Jed York does not allow fans to hold him accountable for the team’s many problems.
Disclaimer: this piece contains satire. The fiction: all quotes from the San Francisco 49ers organization. The facts: CEH has notified Kmart of the lead-tainted ornament. Statements in this piece regarding Jed York’s intelligence levels are real, as well.